Whispering Wyrd

The Healing Web

recent posts

  • You’re Never Too Old

    I wrote this today because I woke up this morning thinking about some people I knew in the past. People who never made it out of bitterness, anger, even hatred. Some never made it out of addiction too. You don’t have to be young to start over. You can begin again, reinvent yourself, and grow at any age. Nobody is disqualified because of age.

    You can learn new things. You can open yourself to new ideas, new experiences, and new ways of living life. None of us can grow beyond who we already are if we stay closed off to change. A lot of times the only things required to become something different, maybe even something better, are willingness and an open mind.

    Nobody is disqualified from healing because of age. I know people older than I am, and I’m 60, who made profound changes in their 80s and even their 90s. They changed because they wanted to change. That desire to change is what matters, it’s the secret ingredient.

    I’ve also known people who reached old age and even died without ever growing at all. They held onto their anger, bitterness, prejudice, and old resentments until the very end. Some died just as miserably as they lived. That’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.

    I’ve known others who couldn’t let go of hatred and destructive ways of life and it led them back to prison again and again. Some died there. Some will die there. Not just because of walls and bars, but because they never escaped the prison inside themselves. And that kind of prison isn’t limited to physical incarceration.

    There are people walking free in the world while living inside internal prison/jail cells of bitterness, hopelessness, and fear. They have never been behind bars but they are trapped just the same. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

    I moved with my family to New Mexico and that’s where my own healing started. I got clean after being told it was impossible. I met inspiring people. My wife and sons stood by me through the entire process. I found the courage to explore my own faith, not the faith that was handed to me or the one I was told I had to follow or be damned.

    I found healing in the mountains, forests, rivers, and this sacred landscape. I found my voice and a sense of purpose in telling my story and trying to help others wherever I can. I learned to focus on what’s good, because I know how easy it is to become trapped in what’s bad.

    There is hope. There is healing. But a person has to want change. A person has to be willing to make the necessary changes. And a person has to have the courage to do it. That courage gets overlooked sometimes.

    It takes courage to leave familiar places, familiar crowds, familiar thinking, familiar pain, and even familiar beliefs. Sometimes the familiar feels safer just because it is familiar, even when it’s hurting us.

    But this life isn’t repeatable. If you’re stuck in ways that are hurting you, it might be time to make a change. It can be scary, it can be exhilarating, and it can bring setbacks and breakthroughs, rough patches and beautiful ones. But if it leads to healing, it’s worth it.

    No matter what your age is, no matter what your past is, and no matter how long you’ve been stuck or addicted, you aren’t too late. You can still start over again.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • Just Sitting With What Is

    It can be hard to do anything when you’re sick. Depending on how sick you are, formal meditation can feel impossible. Sometimes just laying in bed is all you can manage. Two nights ago I didn’t meditate at all for the first time in months.

    That got me thinking about Dogen, the founder of Soto Zen, and his teaching of being-time. In this view, we are not creatures trapped inside a container called time, we are time itself. I know that can sound strange at first, especially to those of us raised to see time as a straight line moving from past to future. But there is something unquestionably true in it, this present moment is all we ever actually have. We cannot be anywhere except here, now.

    When you’re sick, that truth can feel like a burden. You might feel trapped in the discomfort or pain, wondering if it will ever end. But the same time can also be seen differently, as rest-time, healing-time, recovery-time. Sometimes the way we view an experience changes the experience itself.

    Still feeling sick last night I decided to meditate anyway. I’m glad I did. I woke up feeling better physically, but more importantly, I woke up in a better state of mind.

    One of the things I find fascinating about Soto Zen meditation is that there is no goal. If you sit down thinking, “I’m doing this to calm myself,” or “I’m doing this to feel peaceful,” then you’ve already turned it into something else, it’s no longer Soto meditation. In Soto Zen, there is nothing to chase. You simply sit. This is called Shikantaza, literally “just sitting.”

    You observe thoughts without trying to stop them. You don’t cling to pleasant feelings or resist unpleasant ones. You don’t label any sensation as good or bad. You just let things be what they are. That is “reality-as-is”. It sounds simple but it can be surprisingly difficult.

    When you sit this way you learn about yourself. You start to notice old habits of mind like fear, anger, craving, self judgment, old stories you tell yourself constantly. Dogen said, “To study the self is to forget the self.” That doesn’t mean losing your personality or erasing who you are. It means loosening the grip of the constant “I, me, mine” lens we view everything with.

    When that grip loosens, something better happens… kindness toward yourself as you already are. From there, it’s easier to offer kindness to others too.

    This practice can help with stress, difficult emotions, painful memories, even sickness. Last night I noticed how my mind was reacting to being sick. I could see the discouragement getting stronger like “Will I ever feel better? How long will this last?” By just sitting with it I could also see that those thoughts and feelings were temporary. They were passing weather not a permanent truth. Like clouds floating through the sky.

    I can’t say whether meditation healed my body or not. But I can say it helped me stop making my suffering worse than it already was. You don’t have to be sick to benefit from this. You can apply it to anger, sadness, boredom, anxiety, or everyday stuff. You start to notice the difference between an automatic reaction and a deliberate response. Someone offends you and instead of instantly striking back you can pause. You can choose awareness.

    I wish I had learned these tools decades ago. It would have saved me and those I love a lot of pain. But regret can be another trap if we live in it too long. We all have things we wish we had done differently. Healing happens here and now not by reliving yesterday over and over again.

    One of the hardest things for me to release was worrying about certain people’s opinions of me. Not everyone’s, just a few people whose approval I wanted but could never earn. The goalposts always moved. Letting go of that burden has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done. These days the only opinions that matter most to me are those of four people, my wife and my sons. That’s it.

    There is freedom available in this life, freedom from addiction, from trauma, from anxiety, and from patterns that don’t serve us anymore. It takes effort, honesty, and patience but it is possible.

    Part of that freedom starts with seeing things and yourself clearly. You can’t change what stays hidden. But when you learn to sit quietly and observe your own mind, what was buried and hidden starts to come into clear view. Then you can build something healthier and better in its place.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • The Power Of A Single Thought

    Some people may think a thought is just a thought, just a passing thing in the mind with no real weight or consequences to it. But I can tell you from experience that thoughts can carry an insane amount of power over the body, especially the gut.

    A single thought can change how the body functions. It can tighten the chest, speed up the heart significantly, rob you of sleep, cause digestive troubles, and/or flood the mind with old painful memories. A lot of people already know this in “normal” ways… stress before a big meeting, nerves from bad news or butterflies before a hard conversation.

    But for some of us, especially those who have lived through addiction and/or trauma, or years of inner struggle, the connection between mind and body can be ramped up to a whole other level. The nervous system learns things and it remembers and it definitely reacts strongly.

    Sometimes an old memory, a fear, or even the anticipation of something hard can stir up symptoms before anything has even actually happened. The body responds to the feeling or memory of danger just like if danger was already actually there.

    That can be frustrating to say the least. It can make a person wonder, “Why am I still affected by this?” I’ve asked myself that question more than once. Why do old memories still hurt so much at my age? Why can misunderstanding still ricochet inside me even at this age?

    If thoughts can cause all these symptoms, thoughts can also heal. A calming word can slow the breathing, a prayer can steady the heart, and a nice walk outside can ease the fear. A nice memory can ease some of the pain.

    We are definitely affected by what we repeatedly tell ourselves inside our minds. So when harsh or bad thoughts come, I notice them and try not to hand them the keys. I try to meet them with patience instead of panic, compassion instead of shame and steadiness instead of surrender to them. Like in Soto Zen, I try to detach from them and just observe them without judging “this is bad” or “this is good” and they pass like clouds floating in the sky. It’s when I attach to them is when the problems start.

    The mind is powerful! The body is listening all the time, so speak gently within and to yourself. That way you could be helping yourself more than you know.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • I Can Breathe Now… When Grace Replaced Fear

    One of the most profoundly life changing changes in how I think and view the world since getting clean has been in regard to “other power” vs “self power.” This change in my thinking has brought me a kind of peace I didn’t even know was possible before. It hasn’t taken away every single struggle, I still have waves of withdrawal symptoms, but it’s taken away an enormous amount of stress. Please allow me to explain.

    For most of my life I worried about religious things, especially what happens after death. To say I was obsessed wouldn’t be a strong enough statement. I can remember as a child reading encyclopedias (yes, really) looking up anything and everything related to death and religious teachings about what comes after death. I read and re-read passages in the Bible about after death. I spent decades studying different religions. I don’t know why the obsession took hold so powerfully but I think it came from fear.

    Not so much fear of death itself, or even the physical pain that can come with dying, most people fear pain to some degree or other. No, what tormented me most was the fear of what I had been taught comes after death.

    The teachings I grew up with were, in my opinion, extraordinarily legalistic. ‘Be good enough, follow every single rule, do everything right. Maybe then you can make it into heaven and avoid eternal punishment in hell. Maybe.’

    There’s no adequate way for me to describe how deeply this affected me. For decades hardly a day passed by that it didn’t torment me in some way. During my darkest years of alcoholism and addiction, it got even worse. I was involved with things and people that stood against nearly everything I had been taught was good and right. By those standards, I was failing miserably and I knew it.

    Eventually I just gave up. There was no way I was ever going to live up to such an impossible standard. But I never stopped searching though.

    In a previous post I mentioned that when I hit rock bottom and was close to ending my life, I had just bought a book on Buddhism. That book, and the path that opened for me afterward, helped save my life.

    In Jodo Shu and Jodo Shinshu Buddhism there are people known as Myokonin, ordinary people without any formal religious education, whose faith is so deep and sincere that it completely transforms their entire lives. They embody something the intellect alone can’t possibly reach. In those people, legalism completely and utterly loses its grip. They live through trust instead of fear and gratitude instead of score keeping. They don’t rely any longer on self power, but find rest in other power, in grace that is given as a gift, not earned. This insight isn’t limited to Buddhism though.

    Martin Luther emphasized that trying to earn salvation through obeying/keeping of the law can lead to a deep despair, and that grace is a gift instead of earned from being good enough.

    In Eastern Orthodoxy there is the tradition of the “Holy Fool” or “Fool for Christ,” the people who reject pride, status, and spiritual performance and focus on grace.

    In Islam, some in Sufism emphasize the inward path of love, surrender, and direct remembrance of God as if He were right there in front of them.

    In Hindu traditions, there is prapatti, complete and utter surrender to God instead of dependence on one’s own “earned” merit.

    These paths are all different but they all point to the same thing… the human heart gets weary when it tries to earn what can only be given as a gift. When the ego runs the spiritual life, it becomes a constant and never ending yo-yo. If I do something good the ego thinks, “I am righteous, I am succeeding, now I am worthy.” Bu when I inevitably fail it changes to, “I am terrible, now I am condemned again. I deserve punishment now.”

    What a painful and terrible way to live! But reliance on other power undoes that entire knot. It lifts the crushing burden and weight of self judgment. It does away with fear and allows a person to become more honest, more humble, and more fully human. For me this has been one of the greatest healings of my recovery.

    I no longer feel the need to save myself through perfection. I can breathe now, and in that breathing and release there is freedom. A freedom I never knew before.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • The Legacy I Want To Leave

    I have an all-time favorite movie. It’s not flashy and the pace is slow. It’s a Japanese movie called Twilight Samurai. I’ve seen it many times over the years, and these days it moves me to tears every time I watch it. Now that I’m sober and clean I understand its message more deeply than ever before.

    The movie is about a low ranking samurai who’s just trying to survive life’s hardships. His wife dies after a long illness, leaving him to care for two young daughters and an elderly mother with dementia. He struggles financially, is looked down on by others, and has no desire for status or combat. He says he’d rather be a farmer if he could choose.

    To the outside world, he appears unlucky. Poor and unimportant. He’s a man with little to no standing.  But to those who really knew him, he was rich in everything that mattered the most.

    His daughters were his whole world. He loved them, encouraged them, and gave them the best of everything he had. Later, he reconnects with a childhood sweetheart, and love comes back to his life. Though the hardships continue and tragedy eventually comes, the lasting message of the story is clear… his life was full because it was grounded in love. That truth exists in every time and every place on earth.

    Some people may look at someone’s life from the outside and see only struggle, loss, or a lack. But the people living that life may feel deeply blessed because of family, love, and the bonds they share. Money, status, prestige, and other people’s opinions can seem so important, until you realize they aren’t at all the things that matter most in the end.

    The most important thing to that lowly samurai was his family. Everything else was secondary. That speaks to me and really moves me.

    Despite the mistakes of my past, despite alcoholism and addiction, I am grateful beyond words that I have great relationships with my sons and with the love of my life, my wife. We create new memories these days. Good memories… healing memories.

    That is the legacy I want to leave behind. Not wealth, not status, and certainly not the approval of strangers. I want my family to know that I loved them more than anything in this world. That they were the center of my heart. That no matter how many times I failed in the past, I kept trying, I recovered, and I spent the rest of my life showing them the love that was always there.

    All I want now is peace, the love of my family, and to continue healing. If the people I love remember me as someone who truly loved them, that will be enough for me.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • What You Look For You’ll Probably Find

    Whatever you look for, you can usually find. My wife reminded me of this yesterday evening. If you look for goodness in people and in life, you can usually find it, and more happiness comes with it as a result. On the other hand, if you only look for what is bad, you’ll almost always find that too.

    I remember when we first moved to New Mexico. We were living in Albuquerque at that time and one morning I went for a walk in a beautiful park just as the sun was coming up. I had been awake since very early that morning so I was there before most people arrived.

    As the sun rose more, more and more people came to the park. There was an elderly man practicing Tai Chi, people walking their dogs, other people just walking and talking. I sat down on a bench and just enjoyed the morning.

    Then a very elderly woman with her small dog came up. I was lost in thought because I didn’t even notice her coming. She sat down beside me and said, “You look like you could use a conversation.” I wasn’t upset or feeling down, but I guess she sensed I was deep in thought. I smiled at her and said, “That sounds good.”

    She told me she had moved to New Mexico from New York back in the 70s. She came for love but the relationship didn’t work out for her. But she stayed in New Mexico anyway and made a life here. She asked where I was from, and I told her we had come from Texas.

    She smiled and said, “New Mexico is a magical state. It’s sort of like a vortex. Whatever you look for, whatever kind of energy you seek out or put out into the world is exactly what comes back to you.” Over the years here I’ve heard a lot of people use that same word for New Mexico… “magical”. I know what they mean now.

    This place is not like anywhere else I’ve ever been. There’s something special here that’s hard to explain or put into words. Maybe it’s the desert Southwest landscape, the mountains, the mix of cultures, Native American, Hispanic, and European, or the deep, rich history here. Or the sacredness of the high desert. Or a combination of all this, I don’t know. Whatever it is, it makes for a unique experience.

    That elderly woman was definitely right. You can find what you are looking for, good or bad. I came here with my family looking for healing. I came here hoping to get clean from benzos. And that is exactly what I found. It’s exactly what I did.

    I tried a lot of times before back in Texas, but I failed every single time. I don’t think peace, healing, or transformation are unique to New Mexico though. People can find what they need in a lot of places. But sometimes the conditions come together so perfectly that the change you’ve been looking for starts to happen really fast.

    For me, those conditions came together here in New Mexico. For somebody else, it might be by the ocean, in the mountains, in a small town, or in a place they haven’t even discovered yet. Wherever that place may be, my wish is that anyone searching for healing, peace, and hope will find it too.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • Addiction Can Wear A Prescription

    Something I’ve seen quite a bit is a lot of people don’t realize addiction can happen with legally prescribed medications. Because a doctor wrote the prescription and kept sending refills, they assume it must be safe and couldn’t possibly be an addiction. But a lot of addiction cases come from legally prescribed substances.

    It’s not just benzodiazepines. It can also happen with opioids, painkillers, stimulants, and other substances. The addiction is very real. Just ask anyone who has struggled with it, or ask the people who love them and watched it happen. A substance being legal doesn’t mean it can’t create devastating, life changing addiction.

    Meds like benzodiazepines can create both psychological addiction and physical dependence. That means the body itself can become literally dependent on them. Coming off long term benzo use the wrong way can be dangerous and in some cases even life threatening. That’s why careful medical supervision and correct tapering are so important. It’s not something to take lightly, ever.

    Recovery literature clearly states that a lot of us didn’t think of ourselves as addicts because we had a legal prescription. We realized the truth, that we were indeed addicted, when the drug was taken away or became inaccessible. I know that reality because I lived it. When access became iffy, I saw how desperate and distorted my thoughts had become. I was prepared to do bad things to keep getting the drug.

    So yeah, it can be extremely frustrating when someone you care about refuses to recognize the reality of addiction simply because there was a prescription involved. That kind of denial can delay help, increase shame, and keep people trapped in addiction and destructive behaviors longer than they need to be. Acceptance is one of the first steps toward healing.

    Here in recent years, stricter laws and prescribing changes have made some meds, like benzos, harder to get. There are good reasons for more caution, but there is also another side to the story. It’s a double-edged sword. A lot of people who were put on these meds years or decades ago can’t just “hop off” them. Suddenly stopping benzos is dangerous. Some people have been cut off too quickly when doctors retired, moved, or changed policies. The human cost of that should never be ignored.

    Addiction comes in many forms and affects people from every walk of life. Too many people still carry the stereotype of what an “addict” looks like. But addiction doesn’t look the same across the board. It could be your neighbor, somebody in your church, a coworker, a parent, a veteran, or the person smiling beside you in line at the store. Addiction doesn’t discriminate.

    Until addiction is seen for what it really is and until compassion replaces stereotypes, people will continue to suffer in silence. Even die in silence. But every time when we tell the truth, every time when we choose understanding instead of judgment, we help break that silence. And that’s where the healing begins.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • I Still Struggle

    While I try to write about uplifting or encouraging things, or at least end my posts that way, I have to admit something. I still struggle. There are days that are really hard to get through. It bothers me that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, even here at 16 months out, a thought crosses my mind, “A benzo would make this day a lot easier to get through.”

    Sometimes I beat myself up that a thought like that even crosses my mind. Usually it happens on the days when I’m exhausted, my body hurts, my heart is acting up again, and I find myself feeling really down, really blue.

    It’s well known that full recovery from benzodiazepines can take 18 months to two years, and sometimes longer. On days like that, especially here at 16 months out, I wonder if I’ll ever really completely heal. I wonder if those doctors who told me getting clean would be impossible after more than 20 years were right. I wonder if I’ll cave and seek more pills, or if my body will simply fail under the stress of trying to heal a nervous system that depended on the drug for so long. And then there is the ache for sleep that just refuses to come.

    Those days are hard. They test everything in me. I had one of those days yesterday, and I’m still feeling the effects of it today.

    The same things that carried me through acute withdrawal are the things that still carry me through right now. My family, my faith, the recovery community, and determination. Without my family, without faith, without people who understand this path, I know I wouldn’t be able to keep going.

    I have far more good days than bad now. But the bad days still have teeth… sharp, tearing teeth.

    The recovery community is vital for me. There is so much encouragement there. People who know exactly what I’m talking about because they have lived it too. On days like yesterday, it can be hard to talk with anybody who hasn’t experienced this. Not because they aren’t kind or helpful, but because sometimes you need to be seen by people who truly understand how hard this can be.

    But I will keep going, even if it’s at a snail’s pace on the hardest days. As long as I stay clean and remember that no matter how rough it gets, I can’t go back. Ever. Even if a pill appeared in front of me, I know one would never be enough. One would lead to another, and another, and another.

    So I talk to my wife. I ask for help from the recovery community. I say the Name. I keep going. Because this is what healing looks like sometimes, not like some shining strength, but weary faithfulness. Refusing to quit.

    And that’s the hope. Not feeling great today, but knowing this hard day ain’t the whole story. I have survived every single bad day so far and I’m still here. I’m still moving forward. And one day, I hope, I’ll look back and realize these painful times were carrying me home.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • Recover Out Loud!

    “Words are energy and they cast spells, that’s why it’s called spelling.” – Bruce Lee
     “Of course words are magic. That’s why they call it spelling.” – Brian Holguin

    There’s a lot of power in words. They can hurt a person down to the soul, and they can heal too.

    I’m old enough to remember a good part of life before the internet, before social media, and before everyone was connected all the time. It feels like there’s a dividing line now… pre-internet and after, today. Now we live in constant, all pervading connectedness. And so many of the words seem to be used like weapons now.

    Everyone has the right to speak freely and hold opinions on politics, religion, and everything in between. But there’s a difference between expressing an opinion and attacking another person for having an opinion too. Too often these days people aren’t just simply sharing what they believe, they’re trying to hurt others for believing different.

    Yesterday afternoon I was walking out of our local Walmart when I saw a couple of young men set up outside with merchandise and literature for recovery. I’ve seen people out there raising money for all kinds of causes, but this was the first time I’d seen anybody doing it for recovery programs.

    I stopped and talked with them for a while and we had a really good conversation. We shared stories about addiction, recovery, and where life had taken us. These were genuinely kind young men, and it made me happy to see how passionate they were about helping others get free from the hell of addiction.

    The message they were offering people was simple… You don’t have to stay stuck there. Recovery is possible. That is the kind of use of words that heals people. It’s so different from words used only to hurt strangers online. Those kinds of vicious words don’t just hurt the person they’re aimed at, because they spew from a heart full of pain. Anger breeds more anger, but anger has never healed anyone.

    There’s an old teaching that anger is like picking up a red-hot coal to throw at someone else, you burn yourself first. And seriously, what will it matter in ten or twenty years if some stranger on a social media site had a different opinion than you?

    Those young men outside Walmart didn’t have to do what they were doing. They’re already clean. They could have just moved on with their lives. But that’s not how healing works.

    I could stay quiet about getting clean and staying clean too, but that would be selfish. Everyone I know who has gotten clean or sober or found recovery shares it freely and openly. We want others to know that life can be different. We want others to know that what feels impossible today can be possible tomorrow.

    There is life after addiction. And not just life, real life. A richer, fuller, and healthier life than anything addiction ever promised and lied about. That’s why we share our stories. That’s why we speak hope out loud. That’s why we recover out loud.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

  • This Day Is Still A Gift

    My heart woke me up early this morning doing its disturbing “dance” that benzo withdrawal caused. It doesn’t happen as often these days, thankfully, but when it does there is no ignoring it, and no going back to sleep when it happens in the middle of the night. It’s one of the prices I paid for getting clean. There’s even a name for it, it’s medically called BIND… Benzodiazepine-Induced Neurological Dysfunction. Even with that though, I’m still happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

    Even though it may not be known much outside of New Mexico and particularly Santa Fe, the remains of the man who went missing back in September of last year were found yesterday. I can’t even imagine the pain that family must be feeling. While it might bring some sense of closure, there are still so many unanswered questions surrounding the whole situation. There are people that law enforcement, and at least one private investigator, have been questioning since the beginning of this case. I’m sure those questions will only get more aggressive now.

    His disappearance and death hit close to home for me because he was a lineman. I used to work on contract power line crews, so in that sense it felt personal even though I never knew him. He had a wife and young children, and they have been left wondering what happened since last September.

    It makes me think again about how none of us know how much time we have left. None of us are guaranteed another chance to hold our loved ones close. It’s so easy to take life, and all we’ve been blessed with, for granted. Bills, responsibilities, routines, the endless rinse-and-repeat of daily life. All of it can distract us. All of it can lull us into forgetting what matters most… family, love, gratitude.

    Even with my heart acting up this morning, I’m reminding myself how fortunate I am. How blessed I am. I live in what is, to me, the most beautiful place in the world. Every day I’m surrounded by breathtaking beauty. I have my family, we have good food and a good place to live. We have amazing neighbors.

    This morning, like every morning, I checked in on people in the recovery community across a few platforms while having my tea and breakfast. I saw a post that deeply resonated with me. It said, “I have survived things that have killed other people, so I don’t take a single day for granted.” I nodded to myself and said, “Yep.”

    I still think about that young man in my benzo recovery group who didn’t make it. It was just too much for his body and mind. So no, I don’t take what I’ve been given for granted. None of us should, whether we’ve battled addiction or not.

    So I guess today all I want to say is this, hug your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Better yet, show them how much you love them. Take a minute to contemplate your blessings, even if something, or a lot of somethings, are weighing heavy on you. Even if your heart feels like it’s about to call it quits. This day is still a gift.

    Amituofo
    ~Buck

    Photo Credit: My son, Ty Britt