I remember when I was in the middle of detox, there were times I was too sick to read. So, I’m gonna make some videos for people who are in that place. Hopefully, I’ll get better as I go along.
Whispering Wyrd
The Healing Web
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My First Video -
I haven’t been writing as much lately obviously. Life has been really busy lately but really good and full too!
We’ve been settling into our forever home, and moving doesn’t really end when the boxes are unpacked. There are gardens to tend, little projects to finish, things to clean, organize, repair, and improve on. Every day seems to bring another small task. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve been spending a lot of time outside, working in the garden and enjoying this little piece of Earth we’ve been blessed to care for. One of my favorite parts of living here is being able to step into our backyard, breathe deep, and practice Tai Chi and qigong in peace. The walls around each yard give everybody a little privacy and that little bit of quiet has become something I appreciate more than I expected. We’ve also met several neighbors already, and they’ve all been really nice. It feels like we’ve landed exactly where we’re supposed to be.
Bernalillo is definitely hotter than Santa Fe, especially this time of year. But every place is different and offers something different. Here we trade the long bitter winters of Santa Fe for a longer growing season. As somebody who loves gardening that’s a trade I’m happy to make.
Since I’ve gotten older I notice myself appreciating the ordinary things more than the extraordinary ones. Watering tomatoes in the evening. Pulling a few weeds and sweeping the porches. Watching the sunsets. Years ago I would have hurried through moments like these without even giving them a second thought. But now they can feel like the best parts of the day.
Happiness isn’t always found in the “big moments” we can spend so much time chasing. It’s there for us in the simple every day moments if we finally slow down enough to notice them.
At sixty years old, sober and clean, sharing this home with the woman I love, I find myself happier than I’ve ever been. Ever. If somebody had shown me this life I’m living now ten years ago, I wouldn’t have believed it was possible. But life has a way of surprising us.
So if you’re reading this and carrying a heavy burden whether it’s addiction, grief, fear, or just feeling stuck, I hope you’ll hold on a little longer. Not because tomorrow is guaranteed to be easy, but because tomorrow doesn’t have to look like today.
Sometimes healing happens so gradually we might hardly notice it. A little more hope and a little more patience. Before long we look around and realize we’ve grown into a life we used to think was impossible. I guess that’s what gardening has been reminding me of lately. You tend the soil, you water regularly and pull a few weeds. For a while it can seem like nothing is happening at all. But under the surface life is doing what life does. People aren’t so different in that respect… We all need the right kind of tending to so we can reach our potential. At least that’s what I think.
Take good care of yourself wherever you are on your journey. Don’t give up! There’s more growing beneath the surface than you may be able to see.
Amituofo
~Buck
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There’s something I would call a “unique kind of wreckage” that detox leaves behind even when it’s done. Not just in your body, anybody who’s been through it knows it takes the body apart too, but in the mind, the spirit, and the sense of who you even are anymore. I’ve mentioned before that Tai Chi and qigong helped me through that. But “mentioned” doesn’t really do it justice. I want to actually tell you what these practices did for me, because I think they can do it for you too.
When I came out the other side of detox I had nothing left to give. My body wouldn’t cooperate and my mind was foggy and unclear. And the darkness that settles in during those times is impossible to describe to anyone who hasn’t been there. I practiced martial arts back in the 80s and 90s and I still loved it, but there was no way I could do that kind of training anymore. I needed something a lot gentler. Something that could be done where I actually was at that time, not where I used to be before detox.
That’s exactly what I found in Tai Chi and qigong. One of the things I love about these practices is that you can make them as hard or as gentle as you need them to be and you’re still doing them right. In the early days after detox I needed everything to be gentle, slow, and forgiving. That was enough for then. When my strength started coming back, so did deeper stances and longer sessions. Twice a day, mornings and evenings, together with eating healthy these practices rebuilt my body. But just as important they rebuilt something else too… my hope and my sense that the darkness wasn’t permanent.
I wanna be clear about something though, you don’t have to have lived through addiction or detox for this to help you. These practices are incredibly forgiving of where you’re starting from. There’s even seated forms for people who can’t stand for long. Age doesn’t disqualify you either. If anything, Tai Chi and qigong are especially good for older folks for building strength, flexibility, and balance in a way that can mean the difference between a fall and staying steady on your feet.
I practice outside whenever I can. Partly because nature has its own way of healing and also because breath is so vital to these practices and there’s something about breathing fresh air into your lungs instead of recycled indoor air that adds a layer I can’t get any other way. The birdsong doesn’t hurt either.
I really don’t know if I can put into words how much these practices along with daily meditation have meant to my recovery. But I also want to say it doesn’t have to be Tai Chi or qigong specifically. I know people who’ve found the same peace, healing and strength through yoga, coupled with their own meditation practice. The form doesn’t matter as much as the showing up does. Consistency is key.
If you’re struggling with addiction, age, with depression, or with whatever has worn you down. I’d like to just encourage you to find something gentle that only asks what you have to give that day and nothing more, and just stick with it. Your mind, body, and spirit will thank you for it!
Amituofo
~Buck
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My decades long internal self loathing, conflict, and strife are at an end. And I didn’t have to die to achieve that. When I look back on the decades I carried that self loathing, it makes me a little sad. Nobody should hate themselves that much for that long. But a lot of people do, and it costs them dearly… not just their mental health, but their physical health too.
Long term self loathing takes a serious toll on you. It causes severe psychological damage and conditions like depression, anxiety, and even self harm. It also fuels addiction. Over decades it jacks with the immune system and leads to conditions like heart disease, type 2 diabetes (this one happened to me), and gastrointestinal problems. All because of a constant, unrelenting flood of stress hormones. That hypercritical inner voice wreaks havoc on your mind and body. It keeps your fight or flight system in a state of constant activation.
I can feel the difference now. As in I literally feel it. It’s like a weight has been lifted off me. A weight that was crushing me and getting heavier all the time.
If self loathing is a problem for you too, start by acknowledge that self loathing is a learned response or a childhood survival mechanism. It’s not an actual truth about your character. You might have been told over and over that you were a failure, a bad kid, ugly, stupid or anything that chipped away at your sense of self worth. Those things were never truths. They were lies. Lies meant to hurt you.
Try to challenge those thoughts when they come up, don’t just accept them. When that inner critic shows up ask yourself, would you talk that way to somebody you love? Would you say those things to your son, your daughter, your husband or wife? No. So why let it be done to you? When you realize that self loathing is a learned thing and that those things were never true, you can see yourself and your life in a far more accurate light.
The internal war might have defined your past but it doesn’t have to claim your future too. Decades of self loathing leaves deep scars on the mind and body, but the human spirit has a profound capacity for healing. Every single second of self compassion acts like a cellular level “truce”, telling your nervous system that it’s finally safe to stand down. Healing isn’t about suddenly being perfect and it almost never happens overnight. It’s about deciding right now exactly as you are that you are worthy of your own care and love. Drop those weapons of self criticism and self hatred and take a breath, and let the healing begin. Because you deserve peace and happiness.
Amituofo
~Buck
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I can honestly say with certainty that I’ve never been happier in my life than I am right now. And that scares me a little in a strange way.
I’m sober and clean, living in New Mexico, a state I’ve always dreamed of calling my home. My wife and I have moved into our forever home, we finally closed on it and we’re in. We’ve been so busy, but it’s a good kind of busy. I’ve been piddling out in the yard, cleaning up and working on a late-summer/fall garden, arranging things the way we want them in the house. It just feels good!
The scary part though? I’ve never in my entire life been this happy and content. There’s something lurking around in the back of my mind whispering “where’s the catch?” because this feeling is completely unfamiliar. I’m not saying I’ve never been happy before. I’m just saying I’ve never been this happy. And that unfamiliar-ness in a weird way has me bracing for some disaster. But I’m not letting it ruin this joy I feel. I’m not giving that voice any power over this amazing time in my life.
I’m soaking it all in. If somebody had told me just seven years ago that my life would be like this, that I’d not only be clean and sober, but literally living my lifelong dream I wouldn’t have believed them and I probably would have laughed in their face.
So if this finds somebody out there who’s struggling or who believes life can never get better, please don’t give up hope. You really never know where your path leads. Your story isn’t finished yet as long as you don’t give up or give in.
Amituofo
~Buck
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For whatever reason I’ve seen more people giving up in the last two weeks than I have since I began recovery myself. Those of us in recovery communities see it happen, and it’s heartbreaking because we’re mostly powerless to stop it. We can’t force anybody to get clean and sober and we can’t force anybody to stay clean and sober. We can’t make decisions for another person. All we can do is share our experiences and hope they help.
Just today someone in one of the recovery groups I’m active in asked if it ever really gets better. That question gets asked a lot. They asked because they’re deep in withdrawal and had listened to an online doctor who said that some people never fully recover because of long term or even permanent brain damage. Cases like that do exist. It would be dishonest to pretend they don’t. But those stories are not everybody’s story, they aren’t even the majority’s story.
Most people recover and most people heal. Also, most people eventually find that life without substances is far better than they ever imagined possible. That doesn’t mean the journey is easy though. Some substances are far more difficult to come off than others. Alcohol and benzodiazepines, especially after long term use, are serious business and should never be taken lightly.
Getting off benzos was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, ever. There were times when I was convinced the damage to my brain and nervous system would be permanent. Times when I was terrified that the anxiety, confusion, dizziness, insomnia, and physical pain would just be my new “normal”.
My doctors told me it wasn’t permanent but there were lots of times I didn’t believe them. But they were right. Today my life is better than it has ever been. Not just better than before withdrawal, better than ever.
That’s one of the reasons I write about recovery, because I want people who are in the middle of that storm to know there is hope, even if they can’t see it yet. From conversations I’ve had recently I think a lot of the people talking about giving up are hitting the worst part of withdrawal and just getting to that point where they say “I can’t do this anymore.”
I completely understand that feeling. There were so many times I wanted to quit the fight. At my worst I couldn’t even read because reading triggered dizziness and nausea. I couldn’t watch TV. I couldn’t play games. I couldn’t focus long enough to enjoy anything. Since reading has always been one of my greatest loves, losing the ability to read was devastating. I seriously wondered if it was worth it.
But those symptoms eventually, if slowly, passed. The things I worried would last forever didn’t last forever. When somebody says they’re giving up, I a lot of times don’t know what to say in that exact moment. Sometimes there just aren’t any perfect words. I usually just hope they’ll come back to the next meeting, make another post, or stick around long enough to hear from people who have walked the road ahead of them.
I don’t claim to have all the answers. I’ve never made that claim. But what I do have is experience. I know what it’s like to feel sick all the time during detox. I know what it’s like to be completely unable to sleep. I know what it’s like to not be able to eat, think clearly, or function normally. And I know what it’s like to fail.
Before I finally got clean, I tried and failed multiple times. Even after moving here to New Mexico, this place that has been so deeply healing for me, the process of detox and recovery was still the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
There were times I seriously didn’t know if I would survive it. People say “One day at a time.” For me it was sometimes one hour at a time or even just one minute at a time. But those minutes added up, the hours added up. And slowly but surely those days added up too.
One thing addiction and recovery have taught me is that there are times when the only way out is through. There comes a point where you stop looking for an escape and just keep putting one foot in front of the other because you’ve made the decision to keep going no matter what.
So if you’re reading this and you’re in the middle of withdrawal, this is what I want to say… Please don’t give up! I know it’s awful right now and I know it hurts. Physically hurts. I know you’re exhausted and I know you’re scared. I know you’re wondering if you’ll ever feel normal again. I know this because I asked those same questions myself.
What I can tell you is that the way you feel today is not necessarily the way you’ll feel six months from now, a year from now, or two years from now.
Recovery has a way of slowly giving the good things back. Things like your health and your clarity. Your relationships. Your ability to enjoy the simple things again. It gives you a life better than the one you had before.
I’ve known people whose lives were cut short by addiction. Recovery is no game. Addiction is not a character flaw, a moral failure, or a lack of willpower. It’s a serious illness that destroys lives every single day. That’s why I write about recovery. Partly for myself, so I can remember where I’ve been, but mostly for the person who might be suffering right now and wondering if it’s worth continuing on. It is! Even when you can’t see that yet. Maybe especially then.
Amituofo
~Buck
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Getting ready to move into our new home has brought a lot of choices. What to keep, what to donate, and what to throw away. Some decisions are easy. My books, for example. Those are staying. I don’t care if I’ve already read some of them multiple times. Books can be like old friends, and you don’t just throw old friends away.
Other decisions are harder though. After yesterday’s business of moving related stuff I had a chance to sit down and think a little. It might sound strange but this whole process reminds me a lot of recovery. Both moving and recovery require letting go of some things.
Some things to let go are obvious, like letting go of alcohol and drugs. Without that decision there is no recovery. But then there are the harder decisions. Sometimes it’s places that need to be left behind. Sometimes it’s habits and sometimes it’s ways of thinking that aren’t healthy for us anymore. And sometimes it’s people.
One of the hard lessons I learned in recovery is that not everybody wants to go where you’re going on your healing journey. Some people are perfectly comfortable with the version of you that was struggling, unhealthy, or easier to manipulate. When you start changing, like making healthier choices and setting strong boundaries, some people get uncomfortable.
A few might even actively resist your recovery. If someone knows you’re trying to stay sober and still offers you drugs or alcohol, they aren’t respecting you or your decision. They might not intend harm, but they’re clearly not helping. At some point protecting your sobriety has to become more important than protecting somebody’s feelings.
Then there are those who just drift away on their own. I’ve had that happen too. Relationships that seemed permanent just faded away as my life changed. At first that kinda hurt. Eventually though I understood that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people are part of a chapter and not in the whole story.
These days my life looks a lot different than it used to when I wasn’t sober. I don’t drink and I don’t use drugs. I try to eat healthy foods and I drink tea instead of soft drinks. I walk and exercise every day. My wife and I made the decision to move to a more affordable town here in New Mexico, one that has better access to medical care and is better suited to the stage of life we’re entering now. It’s weird… at sixty years old I still don’t feel like a “senior,” but here we are anyway.
What strikes me most I think is that none of these changes happened all at once. They happened one decision at a time. One choice followed by another. Life is pretty much shaped by choices I think.
Of course there are things that are out of our control. Nobody controls every single thing in their life but there are a lot of things we do control. We control what we feed our bodies, what we feed our minds, who we spend time with, and the direction we choose to go in life.
In a lot of ways, moving and recovery are teaching me the same lessons. Like if you want to make room for something better, sometimes you have to let go of something else.
Wherever you are on your own journey, I hope you’re moving toward health, peace, and the life you truly want to live.
Amituofo
~Buck
Photo Credit: Ty Britt
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My wife and I spent yesterday babysitting our little grandson! This coming Thursday we close on our new home, and after that we start the process of moving in. Just last week we spent the week in Texas visiting our granddaughter. Life is good! And it’s because I’m sober and clean.
While we were driving one day during all this my wife said, “I don’t think all this good stuff would be happening if you were still using alcohol or drugs. I know we wouldn’t be buying a house.” She was right of course. We would still have grandchildren, but we wouldn’t be buying a house and I probably wouldn’t be with them as we traveled between Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Bernalillo, and Texas to visit everybody. I wouldn’t have been able to get up and moving and I would still be in those dark, dark places.
So I’m incredibly grateful to be alive, clean, and sober to be able to experience and enjoy all these blessings. I read a quote a few days ago that went something like, “Getting clean/sober doesn’t open the doors to heaven for you, but it does open the gates of hell and let you out.” I think that’s a pretty fair analysis or comparison. Getting sober doesn’t magically solve all of life’s problems for you, but it does remove the problems that come with using. It also allows one to face other challenges with a clear mind.
I’m writing this today in case somebody out there finds it, somebody who is trying to get clean and sober and wondering if it’s worth it. It is worth it. There’s no question about that. It’s not always easy, and it can be messy, but it’s definitely worth it.
For a while now, I’ve been writing about all the good things in my life because life is amazing for me these days. I’ve never been happier! But I haven’t forgotten what drugs and alcohol stole. I haven’t forgotten how hard it was to get clean and sober. I also haven’t forgotten what benzo withdrawal did to my body and nervous system. I haven’t forgotten any of it.
But I don’t stay locked in those memories because that would steal from the present. I just felt like I needed to write something for those who might just now be starting out on their sobriety journey, because I’ve seen and heard so many people ask if it’s really worth it.
If you are only now beginning that journey to sobriety, I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. I don’t think anyone else will, either. But I will tell you that it’s definitely worth it. You may not have any idea how good life can be yet. I know I didn’t.
There will still be hard days. But even the hardest days are better than the “best” days drunk or high. Reach out for help when you need it and get some support. There are whole communities out there willing to help you, and they’ve been through it already so it’s not like they’re just blowing smoke. If you need help right now, this very instant, you can always connect with the SAMHSA National Helpline for some free and confidential support.
Wherever you’re at in your recovery, I wish you peace and good health.
Amituofo
~Buck
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The world now has its first trillionaire.
Think about that for a second. At the same time millions of people are struggling to buy groceries. Some adults skip meals so their children can eat. People ration meds because they can’t afford refills. Others put off doctor visits because one unexpected bill could push them into financial disaster.
Regardless of your political beliefs that should bother you. I’m not angry because somebody became wealthy. I’m angry because we have reached a point where unimaginable wealth now exists simultaneously with very real suffering, and too many people have come to accept that as normal.
Whenever this topic comes up, somebody inevitably points out that the wealth is tied to stocks, companies, or holdings. Fine. Call it whatever you want. Whether the number sits in a bank account or is reflected in corporate valuations completely misses the point. We’re talking about a level of wealth and influence so vast that most people can barely even comprehend it, while millions of ordinary Americans struggle just to get through the month.
What bothers me even more is how often this reality is defended by people who simultaneously speak of faith, morality, and “Christian values”. If we’re going to invoke Christianity in public life, then surely the teachings of Jesus should actually matter.
The Bible repeatedly talks about caring for the poor, feeding the hungry, welcoming the stranger, and treating others with compassion. Jesus spoke about loving one’s neighbor, helping those in need, and showing mercy. These teachings aren’t hidden or obscure. They’re among the most repeated and recognizable themes in the entire New Testament.
That is why I struggle to understand the disconnect here. How can we celebrate obscene concentrations of wealth while ignoring the growing abject poverty? How can we praise policies that make life harder for vulnerable people while claiming to follow a teacher who spent most of his ministry among the poor, the outcasts, and the marginalized? These aren’t rhetorical questions. I genuinely want to know.
My criticism isn’t directed at Christians who sincerely try to live their faith. In fact, I have deep respect for them. A few of the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve known were Christians who quietly helped others without demanding any recognition or political power.
What I struggle with is the use of religion as a shield for cruelty, indifference, and/or hypocrisy. If your faith inspires you to feed the hungry, comfort the suffering, welcome the stranger, and care for the vulnerable, I respect that… deeply.
But if your faith is used to justify ignoring suffering while celebrating wealth and power, then I think it deserves to be questioned, and I question it loudly. A society should be judged not by how it treats its richest citizens, but by how it treats those with the least and suffer.
The existence of a trillionaire isn’t what concerns me. The existence of a trillionaire in a nation where people still struggle to meet their most basic needs is what bothers me.
Amituofo
~Buck
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What’s real and what’s “woo”?
Most of the time it’s pretty easy to spot actual nonsense. Snake-oil salesmen have always been around and probably always will. Whether they’re selling miracle cures, magic crystals that supposedly solve every problem, or some expensive supplement guaranteed to change your life overnight, there have always been people willing to prey on the vulnerable.
They target the desperate, the sick, the lonely, and the hurting. They promise certainty where there is none and easy answers to difficult and complex problems. Most of us have learned to recognize these scams and scam artists when we see them.
But there is also another side to this conversation that I think deserves some attention. We live in the most technologically advanced period in human history. We carry devices in our pockets that would have seemed like science fiction just a few decades ago. We can communicate instantly with people on the other side of the planet. We have access to more information than entire civilizations possessed throughout history. It’s mind blowing when you think about it.
Yet despite all this knowledge, I wonder if we’ve lost something important. I wonder if we’ve lost our sense of mystery. Not mystery in the sense of believing every strange claim that comes along and not abandoning reason or science. And definitely not becoming gullible.
I mean mystery in the sense of wonder. The feeling that there are still things worth exploring. The understanding that not everything meaningful can be reduced to a graph, or a chart, or a lab measurement.
Science is one of humanity’s greatest achievements I think. It’s given us medicines, technology, longer lifespans, and a deeper understanding of the universe than our ancestors could have imagined. I am grateful for that. But science itself was born from curiosity. It started when people looked at the world and asked questions.
What is this? How does it work? What do we not know yet?
Somewhere along the way though a lot of people seem to have replaced curiosity with certainty. If something can’t be immediately measured, explained, or quantified it gets dismissed out of hand. The investigation ends before it even begins. That seems really unfortunate to me.
Take concepts like qi, ki, or prana for example. Three different cultures, three different words, but one ancient idea. For thousands of years people have described a kind of life force, vitality, breath, or energy that animates living things. Entire systems of practice developed around these ideas. Traditional Chinese Medicine, Yoga, Qigong, Tai Chi, and a lot of traditional martial arts all incorporate these concepts in one way or another.
Modern science struggles to explain these ideas in a way that satisfies everyone. Because of that, some people immediately dismiss them as nonsense. But is that really the only reasonable response to not being able to fully explain it?
Maybe these traditions are describing something real by using the language available to them at the time. Maybe they are observing patterns in human health and experience that modern science hasn’t completely mapped out yet. Or maybe they’re pointing toward parts of human experience that are hard to measure but no less meaningful nonetheless.
I don’t know and I’m okay with not knowing. What I do know is that practices like Qigong and Tai Chi have helped me. They improve my flexibility, reduce stress, calm my mind, and leave me feeling better than when I started. I notice a difference when I practice regularly, and I notice a difference when I don’t.
Whether that improvement comes from qi itself or improved breathing, relaxation of the nervous system, or better circulation, increased mindfulness, or some combination of all of these things doesn’t really change the fact that it helps me.
The same can be said for a lot of parts of human experience. Why does music sometimes move us to tears? Why can a walk in nature change our entire mood? Why do some places feel sacred? Why does compassion heal wounds that medicine can’t even touch?
Why do practices like prayer, meditation, Tai Chi, and Qigong help so many people across different cultures and generations? Some of these questions might eventually have complete scientific explanations and some might not.
But I think there’s value in staying curious. Not blindly believing and not blindly rejecting either. Just staying open.
The older I get, the more I realize that certainty is overrated in a lot of cases. Some of life’s richest experiences are in that strange place between knowing and not knowing. A place where curiosity is still alive and wonder is still possible.
Because a world without mystery would be a very dull place indeed.
Amituofo
~Buck
Whispering Wyrd 