Whispering Wyrd

I haven’t written anything in a while. I’ve been busy because I have a new grandson! I think I really needed the break from writing. I feel refreshed now and maybe even having a slightly different perspective than before.

The time away from writing made me realize how easy it is to fall in to routines that start feeling too familiar. Not complacency, because I know how fast life can change, but sometimes a routine can become so predictable that you forget how fortunate you really are. You stop noticing the blessings sitting right in front of you. The birth of a second grandchild reminded me of that.

During this time I also joined the Buddhist Churches of America. I wanted to become part of that sangha so I could connect with more Shin Buddhists, continue learning, and support a community that means a lot to me.

I’ve also started a new health routine inspired by a book I’m reading that combines modern Western medicine with Traditional Chinese Medicine. At 60 years old and after everything benzo withdrawals and BIND (Benzodiazepine-Induced Neurological Dysfunction) have put me through I think it’s time to take a more proactive approach to caring for myself. The physical pain from BIND and sleep struggles still hurt me and I’m hoping these new techniques help bring some balance and much needed healing. I didn’t realize was just how bad I needed time to simply breathe and enjoy life again. A reboot so to speak.

Some things also came up recently with people we know that made me stop and think about why I write in the first place. If I’m writing only to keep a streak going, 7 days, 10 days, 30 days, then sometimes I’m publishing just to publish. But when I write because I genuinely have something I want to say, something that might help another person feel less alone or more hopeful, then the writing feels right again. It comes from the right place instead of from pressure or habit.

So today I’m not writing because I think I have something profound to say. I’m just sharing a life update and what an ordinary day in recovery can actually look like.

Healing from trauma, alcoholism, and addiction isn’t always dramatic or “fireworks”. Most of the time it’s just life with all its struggles, monotony, beauty, and small joys. Recovery doesn’t always look exciting but these days I get to live life clearly. I don’t wake up hungover. I don’t move through my days sedated, dulled, or disconnected from the people I love because of drugs.

I can hold my new grandson with clear eyes and a clear mind. I can play with my granddaughter and share music with her while being completely present for every single moment. I can be there for my wife and sons without any chemicals standing between us. That means more to me than all the chaos and excitement I used to chase.

I think a lot of us who struggled with addiction also struggled with stillness. “Normal” felt extremely uncomfortable. We needed excitement, intensity, drama and escape even if it hurt us. Sometimes if chaos wasn’t happening by itself we created it ourselves because peace felt unfamiliar and scary. At least to me it did.

These days I love the “boring” things I used to couldn’t tolerate. Things like quiet evenings, family conversations and sharing music. Sitting together doing absolutely nothing important. Even the restless or monotonous moments feel precious now because they are real and I’m actually here for them.

So hug your loved ones today. Tell them you love them. Enjoy the ordinary moments even if they seem boring at the time. Count your blessings and you might be surprised by how many you actually have.

Amituofo
~Buck