Whispering Wyrd

I’ve been struggling more here recently and I couldn’t figure out why. One reason is obvious though, I’m in a wave at almost 17 months out. But the rest I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then sometime in the wee hours this morning, somewhere between sleep and wake, it hit me.

It’s all the noise! All this noise in the world right now. Especially the constant stream of headlines, arguments, outrage, and chaos that seems to be literally everywhere right now. It doesn’t matter where you turn it’s there. TV, streaming ads, grocery store lines, conversations with neighbors, it’s inescapable.

Usually I can handle it better than this. But right now while I’m in a wave, everything is more annoying. Everything feels more raw and irritating, and it makes me have some serious brain fog, like I’m about to go numb or my brain short-circuit.

I remember when I first announced my jump date in my benzo recovery group. Someone who had already made it through said, “I didn’t use as long as you or as high a dose, but I can tell you this, you’ll probably have a rough 18 months to two years, but after that you should be feeling pretty great.” So far, he’s been right. He’d already done it and was something of a “coach” in that support group.

Most days these days are good days. The waves are fewer, shorter, and usually more manageable. But every now and then one hits hard, like this one, and everything feels extremely loud.

So when you combine a wave like this one with the constant noise from the outside world, it starts to wear on you in ways that’s hard to explain unless you’ve actually lived it. What I realized this morning is that all of it is getting under my skin more than it should. I’m letting it wreck my peace.

That’s the part I can work on though. I can’t control the headlines and I can’t control the direction of the country or the world. And I can’t shut all of it out completely no matter how hard I try. But I think I can start working on how I respond to it, or at least try to. I can bring my focus back to what’s right here in front of me, my wife and my sons, and the life I’ve fought so hard to still be here for.

It sounds like it should be simple but it ain’t. Especially during a wave. The waves pass like they always do, even when it feels like they won’t and I’ll be trapped like this forever. I know when this one passes things will feel better again and I’ll be able to cope better.

Until then I just have to keep doing the work one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Trying to find some peace even in the middle of all this noise and chaos.

I hope you can too if you’re feeling the same way.

Amituofo
~Buck

Photo Credit: Ty Britt