Whispering Wyrd

What to write about today?

I could write about a beautiful experience I had two days ago while doing standing meditation outside. A hummingbird landed on a bush less than four feet away from me and stayed there for a good five minutes while the sunset exploded into colors behind it. I just stood there in awe. Moments like that remind me how beautiful it is just to be alive and healthy enough to enjoy them.

Or I could write about what led up to that moment and why it meant so much. The nightmares have been interrupting my sleep again. I already wrote about that recently though. The lack of sleep has had me so tense that my whole body hurts. By the time I went outside that evening I desperately needed the peace that little hummingbird and the sunset gave me.

That’s life though ain’t it? There’s always more stories than the ones we happen to tell. On any given day I write about whatever’s been on my mind then. Sometimes it’s recovery and how much better life is without alcohol and benzos. Sometimes it’s nightmares, anxiety, meditation, Tai Chi, or just finding some hope outside in nature. But whatever I write about is just one small piece of my life. It’s not the whole picture.

I think that’s true for everybody that shares anything. Whatever people choose to share is just what they’re choosing to share in that moment. We catch little glimpses into each other’s lives but never the whole story. In a lot of ways it’s like social media I think. Most people share the highlights like the vacations, celebrations, victories, or beautiful sunsets. The ordinary days though, the struggles, the disappointments, and the hidden battles mostly stay hidden because they don’t attract as much attention or we think they may be too boring.

If I’m being honest with myself I probably do something very much like that. I’m not really interested in collecting “likes” or building a huge audience. If I was I’d be spending money on premium themes for the blog and SEO tools and stuff like that. My goal has always been to document my recovery journey and if possible encourage somebody else who is walking a similar path. Even so I usually try to write more about hope than hardship. I really want people to know that life really can be good again after active addiction.

Yesterday for example we spent time with our little grandson. It was one of those days filled with love, laughter, and joy. I love days like that. But not every day is like yesterday.

Not every day is terrible either. Sometimes a day is just… blah. A little heavy maybe. Nothing big or dramatic just one of those days where you’re carrying way more than you feel like talking about.

When I first started writing, I kept those kinds of entries to myself. They stayed on my laptop, encrypted, where nobody would ever see them. Then in my recovery group I heard people talking about sharing their experiences online hoping that somebody else might know they weren’t alone.

So I started doing the same. There are still a lot of things I’ve written that I’ll probably never share publicly. Every now and then I go back and read those early journal entries. More often than not they bring me to tears. Reading them reminds me how scared I was and how uncertain everything felt. And how badly I doubted whether I was going to make it.

Sometimes I guess we need those reminders. They remind us how far we’ve come and they remind us to be grateful. They remind us that healing can happen so slow we don’t notice it until we look back. Or at least I need reminding from time to time.

So if you’re in the early days of recovery or even if addiction has never been part of your story and you’re just going through a really hard time, please keep going. Don’t give up. Your life is more than just this moment.

There are still hummingbirds to surprise you and sunsets waiting to take your breath away, grandchildren to make you laugh, and quiet moments that remind you just how precious it really is to be alive. Life can be beautiful.

Amituofo
~Buck