Whispering Wyrd

One of my favorite recovery writers announced today that they’re taking a break for a while. I truly hope they’re OK and finding what they need. I understand though. Recovery is hard enough on its own, and trying to show up every day with something meaningful or helpful can feel overwhelming. Especially with all the noise in the world right now. Sometimes we all need time to step back and catch our balance again.

Lately for me it’s been sleep, or the lack of it. The nightmares have been intense, but a few nights ago it got way worse. It was the most vivid one yet. It hit soon after I fell asleep, and when it woke me up my body was reacting like it had just lived through the actual real event from the past again. My heart was pounding and racing, the PVCs kicked in, I was drenched in sweat, and for the first time, I actually got sick, I threw up. I’ve never had that happen before from the nightmares.

The next day I felt completely off. Exhausted in every way imaginable, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I asked one of my doctors if there was a way to make sure I never had that kind of nightmare again. There is a pill for it they said. It’s supposed to “block” nightmares. But I’ve learned my lesson about reaching for pills, even prescribed ones, to deal with things like this. So I said no. Still, I don’t ever want to go through that again. Ever.

There are times I find myself envying people who don’t seem to have to deal with this kind of thing. The trauma, the withdrawal waves, the lingering effects. I know nobody’s life is perfect, but sometimes it feels like I’d gladly trade for what I imagine are “simpler” struggles.

And then there’s everything else on top, feeling run down, the heart acting up, the constant background noise of the world even when I try to tune it out. It all adds up and it gets heavy.

Even things that might seem small can get under my skin more than usual during the waves. I notice it more when I’m already worn down. Things that normally wouldn’t take up so much space in my head suddenly do. I catch myself reacting strongly and holding on to frustrations longer than I’d like to.

I guess that’s part of the wave too though. I’ve thought about taking a break from writing like the person I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Maybe stepping away would help, but I’m not sure it would. The things I’m dealing with wouldn’t disappear just because I stopped putting words to them.

If anything, writing is one of the ways I work through it. It helps me heal. So maybe the answer for me isn’t to stop. Maybe it’s just to write even on these hard days, without trying to fix everything or make it all add up all nice and neat.

Because waves come, they definitely happen, even at almost 17 months out. Whether they’re from withdrawal, trauma, life, or just being human… they happen. But they pass too even when they feel like they won’t.

Right now might be one of those times when the best I can do is just ride it out. Breathe through it and get through today and let tomorrow take care of itself when it gets here.

If you’re in a wave too, whether it’s like mine or something completely different, you’re not alone in it. Sometimes just getting through the day is all we can do and let that be enough. After all, some days that is the healing. At least that’s what I’m telling myself today.

Amituofo
~Buck