Whispering Wyrd

“This sucks!”. That was the insight during meditation yesterday evening. No nirvana without samsara. No lotus without the mud. No “good” without the “bad.” Everything exists right here, right now, even when the here and now sucks out loud… or feels amazing.

The last seven days or so have been tough for me. I think I’m in a wave. It started with not feeling well physically, then yesterday I got some news I really didn’t want to hear. It wasn’t devastating but it hit me wrong.

What was different though is how I responded this time. Not that long ago, when I was in active addiction, I would have reacted very differently. Angry and out of control. Looking for something, anything, to escape how I felt, which back then usually meant alcohol or benzos. But this time I didn’t.

I handled it like a calm responsible adult. That might sound simple to anyone who’s never been addicted, but for me, that’s huge. I’m proud of that! I’ve come a long way.

Last night during meditation, I sat with everything I was feeling, still upset, still agitated from that news I mentioned. And one thought kept coming up over and over, clear and loud as a bell…  “This sucks!”

It actually made me laugh a little. Of all the profound things the mind could produce that was what it came up with. “This sucks.” So I didn’t fight it and I didn’t chase it or latch on to it. I just sat there with the “suck.”

Eventually, because I wouldn’t latch onto it, it passed, like a cloud drifting across the sky. What came after that was something deeper though. Not intellectually but something deeper, something felt. There is no nirvana without samsara. No peace without discomfort. No clarity without confusion. No lotus without the mud, as Thich Nhat Hanh taught.

I’ve understood that teaching before in my head, intellectually. But this time I knew or felt it differently. It wasn’t something I was thinking about, it was something I experienced directly. Moments like that are called kensho, a glimpse of truth. But even that isn’t something to cling to or chase. It’s just another passing experience.

This morning, something else happened. I caught my reflection in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth. For a long time, I avoided that. I didn’t like what I saw, not just the tattoos on my face and neck, but what they represented. Where I was in life when I got them and who I was back then.

There was a lot of shame tied up in that reflection so I used to always look away. But this morning I didn’t. I looked and I actually smiled at myself. Not because everything is perfect and not because the past didn’t happen, but because I know I’m not that man anymore.

For a second there those old “voices” that used to always try to shame me came back… “Don’t forget what you’ve done. You know what you’ve done.” But I didn’t listen to them this time and I didn’t latch on to them.

Just like I’m no longer a slave to substances I’m no longer a slave to those voices. Meditation has shown me that thoughts don’t control me unless I latch onto them or listen to them. Faith has helped me forgive myself. And my family has given me a reason to keep going, even on the hard days.

So yeah, things can definitely still suck. But the “suck” doesn’t get to hijack my mind anymore. It doesn’t get to drag me down into that old cycle of shame and escape via alcohol or drugs. Part of letting go of destructive habits is learning to let go of self punishment too.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean tearing yourself apart. It means learning, growing, and allowing yourself to move forward. There’s a line from the song “It’s Been A While” by Staind that has always stuck with me, “it’s been a while since I could look at myself straight”.

I understand that deeply. But this morning standing in front of the mirror, smiling at who I’ve become now I realized something, I’ve come a long, long way. And for the first time in a long time I’m proud of who I am.

Amituofo
~Buck