Whispering Wyrd

One of the most profoundly life changing changes in how I think and view the world since getting clean has been in regard to “other power” vs “self power.” This change in my thinking has brought me a kind of peace I didn’t even know was possible before. It hasn’t taken away every single struggle, I still have waves of withdrawal symptoms, but it’s taken away an enormous amount of stress. Please allow me to explain.

For most of my life I worried about religious things, especially what happens after death. To say I was obsessed wouldn’t be a strong enough statement. I can remember as a child reading encyclopedias (yes, really) looking up anything and everything related to death and religious teachings about what comes after death. I read and re-read passages in the Bible about after death. I spent decades studying different religions. I don’t know why the obsession took hold so powerfully but I think it came from fear.

Not so much fear of death itself, or even the physical pain that can come with dying, most people fear pain to some degree or other. No, what tormented me most was the fear of what I had been taught comes after death.

The teachings I grew up with were, in my opinion, extraordinarily legalistic. ‘Be good enough, follow every single rule, do everything right. Maybe then you can make it into heaven and avoid eternal punishment in hell. Maybe.’

There’s no adequate way for me to describe how deeply this affected me. For decades hardly a day passed by that it didn’t torment me in some way. During my darkest years of alcoholism and addiction, it got even worse. I was involved with things and people that stood against nearly everything I had been taught was good and right. By those standards, I was failing miserably and I knew it.

Eventually I just gave up. There was no way I was ever going to live up to such an impossible standard. But I never stopped searching though.

In a previous post I mentioned that when I hit rock bottom and was close to ending my life, I had just bought a book on Buddhism. That book, and the path that opened for me afterward, helped save my life.

In Jodo Shu and Jodo Shinshu Buddhism there are people known as Myokonin, ordinary people without any formal religious education, whose faith is so deep and sincere that it completely transforms their entire lives. They embody something the intellect alone can’t possibly reach. In those people, legalism completely and utterly loses its grip. They live through trust instead of fear and gratitude instead of score keeping. They don’t rely any longer on self power, but find rest in other power, in grace that is given as a gift, not earned. This insight isn’t limited to Buddhism though.

Martin Luther emphasized that trying to earn salvation through obeying/keeping of the law can lead to a deep despair, and that grace is a gift instead of earned from being good enough.

In Eastern Orthodoxy there is the tradition of the “Holy Fool” or “Fool for Christ,” the people who reject pride, status, and spiritual performance and focus on grace.

In Islam, some in Sufism emphasize the inward path of love, surrender, and direct remembrance of God as if He were right there in front of them.

In Hindu traditions, there is prapatti, complete and utter surrender to God instead of dependence on one’s own “earned” merit.

These paths are all different but they all point to the same thing… the human heart gets weary when it tries to earn what can only be given as a gift. When the ego runs the spiritual life, it becomes a constant and never ending yo-yo. If I do something good the ego thinks, “I am righteous, I am succeeding, now I am worthy.” Bu when I inevitably fail it changes to, “I am terrible, now I am condemned again. I deserve punishment now.”

What a painful and terrible way to live! But reliance on other power undoes that entire knot. It lifts the crushing burden and weight of self judgment. It does away with fear and allows a person to become more honest, more humble, and more fully human. For me this has been one of the greatest healings of my recovery.

I no longer feel the need to save myself through perfection. I can breathe now, and in that breathing and release there is freedom. A freedom I never knew before.

Amituofo
~Buck