Whispering Wyrd

What a difference sleep makes! The previous two nights I barely slept at all. Both nights I fell asleep easy, but the dreams I’ve written about so many times before woke me up pretty soon after drifting off, and there was no going back to sleep after that. But last night I finally slept from sheer exhaustion. I don’t even remember dreaming thankfully.

But those two previous kinds of nights can make the hours before bed a really anxious time, at least for me. It becomes, “Oh no, it’s time to sleep… those dreams are going to happen again, and I won’t be able to stop them or sleep after they happen.”

I meditate every day for a lot of reasons and this is one of them. But yesterday evening I was so physically and mentally tiredd that I almost didn’t meditate at all. I didn’t have the energy for a focused practice like counting or following the breath. So instead, I did a Soto Zen style meditation, just sitting and observing the mind without judging or grabbing on to whatever thoughts or feelings that came up. Just watching and observing.

I’m glad I did, because I noticed something during that. The mind flits here and there constantly. It never stops. You may be able to slow it down a little, but its nature is constant movement. In Buddhism this is called “monkey mind” because of how it jumps here and there. The Buddha used the image of the untrained mind thrashing around like a fish out of water. Anyone who’s ever tried to sit quietly for just five minutes knows exactly what that means.

As I watched the thoughts, memories, and feelings come and go, I realized that this is how I get trapped. Not because thoughts come but because I latch onto them. A thought, memory or feeling comes along and if I grab it, argue with it, fear it, or feed it, it just gets stronger. But if I just notice it without trying to label it “good” or “bad,” it passes pretty fast. Then the next thing comes and that passes too.

I remember when I used to use alcohol and then benzodiazepines to “deal” with those disturbing thoughts and emotions. I know now I wasn’t dealing with anything. I was burying things and numbing things. Even worse than that, those substances kept me locked in anger and emotional pain.

I see now that healing didn’t begin when I tried to escape my mind, it came when I started learning how to just sit with it instead. You don’t have to be a Buddhist to practice this. You don’t need any special beliefs, robes, or a monastery on a mountain somewhere. You just need the willingness to stop and observe your own experience, how your mind is constantly throwing things at you.

It does definitely take practice though. At first the mind resists… it squirms, distracts, and fights you. But if you stick with it, you start to see that thoughts are not “commands” you have to follow, feelings aren’t permanent (nothing is), and not everything your mind throws at you deserves you following it.

That realization has been really helpful for me. I’m grateful to no longer be a slave to whatever my mind happens to be doing in any given moment. Now if I could just figure out what to do about those dreams that still hit me when I’m helpless during sleep.

Amituofo
~Buck