Whispering Wyrd

I’ve written a lot recently about how I’m happier than I’ve ever been before. I even made a video talking about it. (I’ll try to do more videos, that’s just unfamiliar territory for me) But there’s another thing going on too that I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet.

It’s that feeling people sometimes describe as “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. In psychological terms it’s called foreboding joy. It’s the weird anxiety that can happen when life is going so good that your mind starts wondering what terrible thing is waiting just around the corner. Instead of just enjoying the peace, your nervous system braces for disaster because peace feels so unfamiliar.

I think most people experience this at some point in life. But for those of us who have lived through addiction, trauma, or years of chronic and unrelenting stress I think it can run a lot deeper. When you’ve spent decades surviving one crisis after another your nervous system gets really good at staying on guard all the time. Then one day, life finally gets calm and instead of relaxing your brain starts asking, “What’s wrong? What am I missing here?“

That’s been me these last several days. During the day it’s usually pretty manageable because I’m busy. I’m working in the garden, taking care of the house, practicing Tai Chi and qigong, or spending time with my family. But when evening comes and everything slows down, especially when it gets close to bedtime, that old feeling has been showing up more than I like.

The weird thing is that, objectively, everything is great right now. We have a home of our own. We live in a quiet little town with great neighbors. Every day I look out at the mountains, the river, and the desert and I still catch myself thinking about how fortunate I am to be here. I’m healthier than I’ve been in years. My family is healthy. There really just isn’t anything wrong.

The only thing that hasn’t completely caught up yet is my nervous system. I’m learning that healing ain’t just about leaving behind addiction or recovering from trauma. It’s also about teaching your mind and body that it’s finally safe to stop preparing for the next disaster.

So I’ve been practicing doing just that here lately. When that old familiar feeling of dread starts to creep in I stop and ask myself is there really a problem right now or is my brain just trying to protect me from a danger that doesn’t even exist anymore?

Just doing that changes everything most of the time. I’ve also been spending more time in meditation. I’ve lengthened my Tai Chi and qigong practice and every day lately I’ve been setting aside a little time to just sit outside, not watering the trees or tending the garden, but just sitting. Breathing and listening to the birds, watching the breeze move through the leaves, and letting myself just be here. It’s helping.

I’m starting to think that with enough patience my nervous system will learn what my heart already knows now, that peace really is safe and that joy doesn’t always come with a price. That fulfillment doesn’t have to be followed immediately by a tragedy.

So maybe there isn’t another shoe waiting to drop. I never imagined I’d one day be this happy. I never imagined that I’d have to actually learn how to be comfortable with being happy, but that’s something I’m grateful to be learning!

If you’re walking a similar path and you’ve found yourself feeling anxious just because life is finally going good, you’re not alone. Be patient with yourself. Your nervous system has spent a long time trying to keep you alive. It might just need a little time to learn that it doesn’t have to stand guard every single minute of the day any more.

I wish you all peace, good health, and the confidence to trust the good moments when they come.

Amituofo
~Buck