Whispering Wyrd

“Don’t change anything for a couple of years.”

Those were my doctor’s words when I got clean. He said them in response to all the plans I had for improving my life. I wanted to quit tobacco, fix my sleep schedule, and do a dozen other things all at once. Tuns out he knew what he was talking about.

Unfortunately I didn’t heed that advice recently and it cost me. I decided I was finally going to flip my sleep schedule. After all, I’m more than sixteen months off benzos now. I thought surely my nervous system could handle it by now. Turns out I was wrong. Really wrong.

The result was several days of utter misery. I couldn’t sleep. Even when I tried to take a nap sleep just wouldn’t come. By the third day the anxiety and confusion felt overwhelming. A lot of the symptoms I had during acute withdrawal seemed to come rushing back with a vengeance. Even the weird whole body pain that I remember from those early days came back too.

The whole experience let me know real fast that my nervous system is still healing. Recovery isn’t always a straight line and sometimes we can learn our limits the hard way by accidentally pushing past them.

I finally got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. Last night I went back as close as possible to my normal schedule and spent some extra time in prayer to Guanyin before bed. At long last… I slept. What a gift sleep is!

We seem to rarely even think about it until we can’t do it. Even after finally sleeping I’m still exhausted today, but that’s to be expected after several days of insomnia I guess. Still, I’m grateful. Sleep came back and with it came some perspective. The lesson is simple, don’t try to do too much, too fast.

Sometimes recovery teaches us patience whether we want to learn it or not. I thought I was far enough along to make a major change to my routine. Maybe one day I will be, but not right now. But this experience reminded me yet again that healing happens on its own timeline, not mine.

People just starting to come off benzos message me asking how I’m doing now sixteen months and two weeks into recovery. I never lie to them and I don’t sugarcoat things, but I do encourage them. Recovery isn’t easy. There are still challenges and there are still surprises. There are still lessons to learn. But it is worth it.

One thing I’ll be emphasizing even more now is the importance of protecting their sleep. Sleep isn’t a luxury in recovery, it’s part of the very foundation. Even when we are well past the one year mark it has to have our attention and respect.

Benzos are a kind of beast because they create both addiction and physical dependence. Alcohol can do the same. Withdrawal from these substances can be extremely serious and should never, ever be taken lightly. I know that firsthand and I know it from watching others struggle as well.

That’s one reason I share my story openly and freely. I was helped by my family, my doctors, and an amazing recovery community. People were there for me when I needed them most. Now I try to pay that forward. I don’t have all the answers, and when I don’t know something I refer people to someone who does. The goal isn’t for any one person to have all the answers, the goal is for people to get sober/clean, stay sober/clean, heal, and reclaim their lives.

So if there is one lesson I am taking from these last few days it’s this… be patient with yourself. Respect the healing process. And guard your sleep well.

Amituofo
~Buck