Whispering Wyrd

This is a topic that feels a little strange for me to write about because there was a time in my life when I would not accept accountability in any form. To say I reacted badly when anyone tried to hold me accountable would be a massive understatement. I wasn’t willing to let others do it, and I certainly wasn’t willing to do it myself. I had so much anger that I didn’t believe that anyone had the right to question me, challenge me, or expect anything from me.

Even when I went to jail.

But feeling those cuffs go on and hearing that sharp click behind my back… that was accountability being forced upon me in one of the harshest ways possible. Anyone in recovery knows accountability is part of the process. For some of us, like me, it can be one of the hardest lessons to learn. But for me, it has also been one of the most healing.

Today, I own my actions and my decisions, for good or bad. If I make a bad choice, that belongs to me. If I make a good one, like staying sober, staying clean, trying to live with honesty, that belongs to me too.

It makes me think of the Buddha’s teaching on karma: “Beings are owners of their actions, heirs to their actions.” To me, that means I am responsible for the life I build through what I choose, every single day.

I know what I’ve done in the past, and I can’t change any of that. None of us can rewrite yesterday, but we can choose who we are today. I can choose to be a better man than I was. I can choose to be someone people can trust, to be someone my family can rely on. I can choose to share my story so others know recovery is possible.

Getting off benzodiazepines after more than twenty years of heavy use was no small thing. I was told by doctors that because of how long I had taken them and at the doses I had taken that getting clean was no longer realistic. But I was determined.

I couldn’t keep living that way. It was hurting me, and it was hurting the people I love. So I kept going, one hard step at a time. And if I can do it, even after being told it was impossible, then I want others to know they should never give up hope. Recovery is possible. Freedom is possible. Life can change. (Though I want to also say this clearly… benzodiazepine withdrawal is serious and should never be taken lightly. Please seek medical guidance and support either inpatient or under the close supervision of a doctor NEVER cold turkey with benzos.)

I am deeply grateful for the recovery community that helped teach me these lessons. I am grateful to be clean today. And I am grateful that accountability, which once felt like punishment, now feels like freedom. Because when we stop running from the truth, we finally have a chance to heal.

Amituofo
~Buck