There’s one part of every day that I dread. Bedtime. As the sun starts setting I can already feel it creeping in. The closer bedtime gets the more the anxiety builds. Ever since I got off alcohol and especially since getting off benzos, that feeling has gotten insanely intense.
Then come the nightmares. I wake up with my heart pounding so hard it feels like it’s going to explode or jump out of my chest. I’m drenched in sweat, sometimes waking up so violently, punching, kicking, that I’m nearly out of bed before I even know what’s happening. For years alcohol dulled those dreams. Later benzos did the same. Now that I’m sober and clean there’s nothing numbing them anymore. They’ve come back with a vengeance.
I can honestly say I hate bedtime. I’ve done everything I know how to do to make it better. I’ve practiced breathing exercises, meditation, and calming techniques before bed. I’ve read lighthearted books. I’ve watched funny movies, all in hoping to quiet my mind before sleep.
The nightmares still come. One of my sons suggested I try therapy again. I know therapy has been life changing for a lot of people and I’m genuinely glad it helps them. Unfortunately, my own experiences have been very different. I’ve seen therapists several times over the years, and for me the results have always been the same… either they didn’t help at all or I actually felt worse afterward. On top of that the cost was significant to say the least. Because of those experiences I’ve completely lost all confidence that therapy is the right path for me, even though I know it is for others.
During the day I’m actually doing well. Once I’m up and moving, especially if I stay busy, life is good. But I also know how much better I could feel if I was sleeping good instead of carrying the anxiety left over from another night of nightmares. It’s exhausting to spend every evening bracing yourself for something that hasn’t happened yet but almost certainly will. Every. Single. Night.
I’ve talked to doctors about it before, but the solution always seems to circle back to pills. That’s where we part ways. After everything I’ve gone through to get off alcohol and more than twenty years of benzos, I’m not willing to walk back down that road. I know meds have their place and have helped people, but for me they aren’t the answer I’m looking for.
So I’m left searching for answers. I’m not giving up. I’ve come far too far and fought through way too much to let nightmares define this chapter of my life. I don’t know what the answer is, but I refuse to believe there isn’t one somewhere. And until I find it I’ll keep doing the best I can, one day and one night at a time.
If you’ve ever caught yourself dreading bedtime because of nightmares, anxiety, or insomnia, please know you’re definitely not alone. It can be a lonely struggle but I think there are more of us on this road than we might think.
And if you’re one of the fortunate people who sleeps peacefully, cherish it. It’s a gift that a lot of us don’t really appreciate until it’s gone.
I sincerely hope you’re sleeping better than I am.
Amituofo
~Buck
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