Whispering Wyrd

My wife said something this morning that made us both laugh. She looked at me and said, “You’re always in a good mood now, even when you haven’t slept… and it’s kind of creepy!”

She said it because I hadn’t slept well last night, yet here I was this morning still happy, still in a good mood. That would have been unthinkable in the past.

There was a time when poor sleep guaranteed I’d be in a terrible mood. During alcoholism and active addiction, I was almost always in a bad mood anyway. Lack of sleep just took me from bad to worse. So when she joked, “We don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re always in such a good mood these days,” we laughed, but beneath the humor was something beautiful…

Healing changes a person. And yes, even now it can feel a little strange. Some mornings I’m tired. Some days I feel the effects of a rough night. But underneath all that, there is still peace. There is still gratitude. There is still joy.

At 60 years old, for the first time in my life, I’m learning what it feels like to live as a happy person. That doesn’t mean all the old pain magically disappeared when I got sober and clean. It didn’t. The PTSD, the anxiety, the old memories, the wounds I tried to bury with alcohol and then benzodiazepines, they were all still there.

The difference is now I have tools I didn’t have before. Now when anxiety or the memories rise, I don’t automatically try to run from it or bury it with alcohol or pills. When my heart races, when the PVCs come, when old memories try to drag me backward, I react differently.

I sit in meditation. I say the Name. I walk with it instead of running from it. I bring my attention to my breath. I put my palms together or hold my beads and softly say the Name, “Amituofo”. And with that,  little by little, I remember something… What happens in my mind is not the master of me. These days, I work to guide my mind rather than be ruled by it.

Gratitude has also been one of the greatest medicines of my life.

Instead of always living in what happened back then, I give thanks for what is here now. I have my wife and sons, I have reasonably good health for a 60 year old man with diabetes and a long history of addiction. I have another chance. I live in a place of breathtaking beauty. I know who my real people are.

Recovery has a way of clearing the fog. It also has a way of revealing who really stands beside you. Recovery has a way of weeding out the “fair weather” friends and family. Yes, sometimes I still feel sadness when people disappear over political or religious differences. That kind of division can feel painfully small compared to the gift of healing and being alive.

But I don’t stay there in sadness, I’m too busy enjoying this life. Too busy loving my family. Too busy being grateful and too busy cherishing the freedom I once thought I might never know. So if it seems strange that I’m in a good mood these days, maybe it’s because my eyes are finally open.

I’m no longer a slave to any substance. I’m no longer chained to the opinions of others or trying to gain anyone’s approval by hiding my true self. I am free and it feels good!

I wish you peace, good health, and a beautiful weekend.

Amituofo
~Buck

Photo Credit: My son, Ty Britt