Whispering Wyrd

Have you ever found yourself as an adult still craving approval like you did when you were a kid? Still hoping someone notices you and says something like, “Hey, you’re doing really good” or something like that?

I didn’t realize until recent years just how much of my life was shaped by chasing that. I spent years, decades actually, chasing approval and “kudos” from other people. Because deep down, I didn’t really believe I had any real worth of my own.

When a kid grows up being told you’re stupid or ugly or “too much” or “a problem” those words don’t disappear. Those words from teachers, parents, or anyone in authority positions. They sink right into a kids heart and take root there. Tell a kid they are those things often enough and eventually they stop questioning it. They don’t just hear it, they become it.

By the time I was a teenager, something had definitely changed inside me. I didn’t trust compliments anymore. If someone said something nice, I assumed there was a catch. A hidden motive or some kind of manipulation.

Because that’s what I had learned. So instead of believing any of the good, I leaned right into the bad. If I was already “trouble”, then why not just be trouble? If I was already “too much”, then why even bother trying to be anything else? What’s the point, right?

Looking back now, I can see how that mindset, along with trauma, laid the groundwork for my alcoholism and addiction. It wasn’t just about substances. It was about trying to fill a deep hole that had been carved of me out a long time ago.

When I was reflecting on all of this, I came across something that I could really relate to, not because it was new, but because it put words to what I had lived too. Kids are hardwired to seek approval from caregivers and people in positions of authority in their lives. And when love is conditional, based on being “good enough”, a kid learns that approval and love must be “earned”, love becomes a transactional thing, not an unconditional thing.

If that approval/love never really comes, the search doesn’t stop, it follows well into adulthood. That’s where things like people pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, and a fragile sense of self-worth come from. And when that need goes unmet it creates anxiety. A deep, restless kind of anxiety. One that some of us tried to silence with alcohol or drugs or anything that made the feeling go away, even for a little while.

That need for approval doesn’t magically disappear when you become a teenager or even an adult. You start looking for it in other places, other people, the wrong crowds. And if you’re not careful you can, like me, end up surrounding yourself with people who hand out approval for all the wrong reasons. You get praised for how much you can drink. You get “kudos” for how much drugs you can take in one go. You get “respect” for making bad decisions that land you in jail. That can feel like validation, but it’s not. It’s just another version of the same old wound.

The real turning point is when you begin to find your own sense of worth. Not because someone else gives it to you. Not because you “earned” it through your suffering. But because you finally begin to see that you’ve had worth all along. Like getting clean and/or staying sober. Facing your life honestly. Learning to set boundaries after a lifetime of trying to please everyone else.

That’s where the real “kudos” are! The deep ones that really mean something. The kind others may not see, but you feel them inside. It’s a little bittersweet realizing it took me nearly 60 years to figure this out for myself, but I don’t sit in regret anymore. Because the truth is, a lot of us were never given a fair starting point.

Some of us weren’t just told we were “bad”, we were taught that even God saw us that way. That we were somehow fundamentally wrong and literally destined to be punished. That kind of belief doesn’t just affect your thoughts, it shapes your entire life. Healing from stuff like that isn’t easy and it definitely isn’t pretty. But it’s definitely possible.

Little by little, you start to unlearn what you were told. You start to question those old angry voices. You start to recognize that they were wrong. That’s when you realize you don’t even need the approval you had been chasing so desperately your whole life. Not because you don’t care anymore but because you finally know who you are and that you’ve had worth all along.

You don’t have to prove your worth anymore. Other people don’t have to approve of your healing. Most of them probably have no idea anyway of what you’ve survived and wouldn’t even understand it if you told them. They don’t have to understand your recovery, your approach to healing, or anything else. It’s none of their business. What’s important is your ability to finally see that you’ve had inside you what you’ve been chasing all along. You just have to allow yourself to see it.

Amituofo
~Buck