Whispering Wyrd

How late is too late to work on oneself? When is it too late to become a better person, not just toward others, but toward yourself as well?

At almost 60 years old, clean and sober now, I don’t feel that it’s too late at all. I do wish I had started sooner, a lot sooner, but I’m deeply grateful that I’m able to do this work now. I’ve already done the hard part, getting clean. That was huge. Staying clean, day after day, is huge too. I’ve made it a year now, and I know I can continue. I finally have faith in myself, a faith I’ve never had before.

Something I’ve noticed since starting to truly work on myself is this… the kinder I am to myself, the kinder I naturally become toward others. And the kinder I am to others, even the “difficult” ones, the happier I am. In the past, I was an angry person. Especially when alcohol and benzodiazepines were in my life. Those substances were like gasoline on a fire. They fueled my anger and made it burn hotter and hotter. It consumed me, as fire always does.

Then I went through another fire, benzodiazepine withdrawal. As painful and damaging as it was, that fire turned out to be a cleansing one. It burned away the facades and the masks and showed me what is real, what truly matters, and what is worth fighting for.

I’m incredibly grateful to be able to make a fresh start, even at nearly 60 years old. It really does feel like a second chance at life. It’s exciting! I’m seeing the world through fresh eyes now, eyes no longer clouded by alcohol or benzos, and I like what I see. I’m sustained and energized by the love of my family, by my faith, and by life itself. In a very real sense, I feel renewed. For decades, I didn’t even know this kind of feeling was possible.

I’ve also learned something essential… peace, real peace, starts within. I now believe, beyond any doubt, that if I want peace with others, I first have to cultivate peace within myself. So that’s what I do every day. I tend to it the way one tends a precious garden, watering the seeds of compassion and joy, patiently and intentionally.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days. I’m human. I still experience waves, the sudden, unexpected return of withdrawal symptoms. But now, instead of sinking into despair, I remind myself that those rough days are temporary. They pass. They always do. The joy returns.

I had a great deal of support when I was getting clean, and I feel called now to pay that forward. If I can help someone, I will. I didn’t walk through all that fire and pain just to keep whatever goodness I found to myself. I receive a lot private messages, and they mean more to me than I can properly put into words. When someone tells me that something I wrote helped them, even if it was just enough to get through the day, it reminds me why I share any of this at all.

Isn’t that what life is really about? Helping one another when and where we can?

I understand completely why some people don’t want to comment publicly. That’s perfectly okay. Please keep sending messages, or use the Contact page here if you’d rather reach out that way. Wherever you are, and whatever you’re going through, I wish you strength and peace. Keep going. Don’t give up. And if you need help, please reach out, to me or to someone you trust.

Amituofo
 ~Buck